Confusion

Today, I went to the new elderly home again. I attempted to lead an exercize in feldencrise therapy, which is based on bringing awareness to the simple act of walking. I thought that it might have been useful since so many of them spend much of their time sitting. It turned out to be much more difficult than I originally thought. The explanation that I gave was much to complicated for me or Yukako-san. Within just a couple short minutes there was only one participant left, but I think that she liked it. It consisted of coordinating movements of the lower body with the breath, and the movement of energy. I did my best to show by example, but sometimes words are very necessary.
The lunch at that place is much different from Hanasaka-so. There is a chef, who uses very expensive ingredients, but his food lacks that important ingredient that I speak of so much when speaking of food, love. In fact, the whole feeling of eating there is lacking that. The staff wears aprons, and hovers over the clients, and me, waiting for something to do. It reminded me very much of restorants in India, where there are five costumers and ten waiters. It just feels like they are watching your every move. It is very hard to relax like that.
Then after lunch, I spent the afternoon massaging the folks. Massage for me is very unpredictable. Sometimes it is a sacred experience in which both the client and I have break-throughs in relaxation, emotions, or spiritual growth. Other times it is a struggle at every moment. My mind can wonder, my energy can be extreme going from almost nothing to overwhelming amounts which can cause pain or sickness, and my center can be very hard to find making my body mechanics horrible. Unfortunately, today was not one of the sacred massage experiences; although I have learned enough in the last four years to prevent anything really bad from happening. I always try to return to the idea of not causing harm. If I can not heal then at least I should not cause suffering. There were several people who fell asleep today, and I think part of it had to do with my wondering attention span. I have noticed that often when my mind wanders then the client's mind wonders, or when my stomach grumbles so does the client's. some people call that sympathetic reaction.
After all of that, I just felt like I was in the way the whole time, and that i have been trying to hard to help, and have not been simply observing enough. Half of the semester is over, I have been spending no less then ten hours a week interacting with Japanese elders, and I feel like I don't really know what I am learning about elderly care here. At least I don't know where all of this time is taking me. I know that it is pointless to come up with generalizations, but I guess i was kind of hoping that I would be able to put elderly care in Japan into a 30 page report. It is good that this is finally coming up, but it was so shocking to my brain and heart that I got home and took a long nap instead of studying or going to Kyudo like I usually do. Now, I feel like I am back at square one because I need to figure out what exactly my angle is, and why I am studying this. For some reason I have been drawn to spending time touching and talking to elderly people, but how can I turn that into my semester project, and later into my senior thesis? I think that these next few days are going to be a little rocky because of this dilemma. I hope that there may be some sign of where to turn next, and how to become more silent to listen rather than trying to put my own ideas others' experiences.